Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

And then it was the big day. Sure, there were lots of last minute things to do, but they bled into each other so thoroughly I didn’t even have time to diary them. Mostly it was studying. A lot of studying.

Thankfully I had excellent teachers between Duchess Barnes and Richter.

Our contingent found itself clustered together over the teleportation square in Blackwall. It was a big space just north of the gate, with easy access to Redwall. It was pretty close to where we’d been escorted for my Ability testing, actually. It was surrounded by gates, walls, and a myriad of other defenses, along with the steely eyed garrison. Nobody was attacking through that teleporter without getting blasted by a hundred mages.

The circle itself was a large stone affair made of etched mithril, gems, and other magical materials. It was a wonder to behold under my [Lesser Crafter’s Eye]. I could even make out the faint aura of the Worldstone, buried somewhere deep inside.

There wasn’t much traffic today. Just us and a pair of nobles I didn’t recognize and a gnomish merchant with an extremely fancy wagon. He was from one of the few registered corporations that had permission to use the exclusive teleportation network.

I’d be jealous, but now we had permission too! Haha!

We did have an audience of various clan delegations wishing their family members well, as well as Duke Schist and his contingent. We weren’t scheduled to be away for too long as the dwarf lived, just a couple years, and they could always visit through Cascadia. Buuuut, Cascadia wasn’t open to the public yet, and who knew – maybe the Teleportation would kill us all.

Knock on wood.

Balin was getting a tearful once-over by Annie, of course. Meanwhile, Richter was pouring over the teleportation circle while Johnsson and Aqua chatted with team Brightstar. The Diggers stood to the side, a bit petrified about being in Blackwall in the first place.

“Don’t you look pleased, old man.” A bright voice came from behind and below and I looked down to see the cute-as-a-button pop-star Raspberrysyrup standing at rest. Her hands were in her pockets and she looked bored. She was wearing some filly pink chiffon thing that I hesitated to call a dress. Her manager, Amethyst, stood at her elbow looking harried.

“What middle-aged brewer doesn’t get giddy at tha thought of vacationin’ on tha company dime?” I answered smartly.

“It’s not your company. It’s our taxes,” she groused. “Our incredibly heavy taxes.Do you have any idea how much I paid this year? I wanted to go to city hall with an axe.”

I chuckled. “And axe some cutting questions? Annie woulda been right with ya there.”

She snorted. “What-ev-er, just see this as getting your money’s worth. It’s not free.”

I tutted. “No, I’m getting yer money's worth. My taxes went into tha ‘Cute little orphans of Kinshasa’ fund.”

Berry rolled her eyes.

There was a peal of laughter as Ambassador Stannard walked up to join us. He was dressed in a set of clothes I’d never seen before – a loose short-sleeved tunic with a deep v-neck, and a beautifully patterned gilded sarong. He was showing a lot of his bright green skin. And pecs.

I stared at him. Berry stared. Wipe that drool girl.

Joseph came and patted me on the shoulder and reached down to tossle Berry’s hair. She was short for a gnomess and he was nearly human height, which made the height disparity almost comical. “I see you two are looking forward to our arrival in Tree.”

“As long as I don’t have to wear whatever that is.” I pointed at his outfit, which definitely matched his Kiwi accent. I was in my solday-best suit armour, with bronze pauldrons and a blue tunic. It really made my reddish-brown beard pop!

“You don’t. It’s Awemedinand formal wear, and between you and me, dwarves just don’t look as good in a sarong.” He whispered the last, leaning in conspiratorially. “Though you would probably look excellent in it, my dear.” He winked the last at Berry and she laughed the twinkling laugh of a young woman in love.

I still wasn’t sure how I felt about their relationship. As a fellow Earther, I felt a sense of responsibility for this young woman from the bronx. She was even more obsessed with her singing and magic than I was with beer, and she was giddy with newfound fame to boot. And now she was going to another country, far from her fans and protections. For a boy!

And Joseph didn’t even need to be stringing her along for the situation to be dangerous. Hooking her wagon to any noble in a monarchy could be hazardous to her health. This wasn’t even mentioning that Joseph possibly already knew she was from another world and was taking advantage of her. In fact, I considered it likely!

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

There was a throat clearing sound from beside me. Starshine Morris stood at attention, her armour even more polished than usual. “Pete, we’re ready to go. Balin’s done final checks on the goat-pulled wagons.”

I gave Starshine a thumbs-up. “Good. Starshine, this is Ambassador Joseph. Ambassador, this is Juggernaut Starshine, head of my personal guard and leader of the adventuring team Brighstar.”

Joseph bowed at the waist then reached out to share fist-bumps. “Pleased to meet you, Juggernaut.”

Starshine smiled brightly, then turned back to me. “Is the squad accompanying us staying in Cascadia, or rooming in Tree?”

I gave Joseph a questioning look and he returned a tight smile. “Obviously we would prefer any armed presence within the city be kept to a small squad. Ten at most. Crack already has a good number of guards at the embassy, so you shouldn’t need too many more.”

I nodded. “We’ve got eight. Enough for day-to-day stuff. I only plan on bringing team Brightstar to special occasions and meetings. They’ll be busy exploring the dungeon.”

Joseph nodded, and he and Berry wandered off to chat in private.

Then there was the final rush of activity that came before every trip. Like ensuring our stocks of beer were properly secured, and nothing was sitting on the edge of the teleportation circle.

I shot one last surreptitious glance at our final addition to the Tree Party. A giant. Kirk stood in his tight tunic and leather pants, looking around with interest. He wandered over to the gnomish merchant and started up a friendly and animated conversation. Of course, Kirk did everything animated.

He also clearly had something on his mind. He’d been a bit… distant… at the Goat recently, and was spending a lot of time in the human district of Kinshasa. I had to wonder what was going on. [Flash of Insight] hadn’t clued me in, so it probably wasn’t something I just wasn’t seeing, like unrequited love for Aqua or something.

Duke Schist came over to give me one last farewell. We shared some pleasantries and last minute instructions. Then he said nonchalantly, “Yer, uh, eyes in good health?”

“I think so, why?” I asked, curious.

“Just askin’.” He murmured, smiling.

A wizened old Greybeard caught everyone’s attention. “All right young'uns. I’m gonna activate the circle now. All clan members, if you aren’t headed to Tree, remove yerself from the circle!”

There were some last tearful farewells, and the various clan members emptied out.

The Greybeard raised his wand. “Travellers, please keep your arms, legs, beards, and other extremities inside the white lines. I wish you luck! For Crack and Kinshasa!”

“For Crack and Annie!” Team Brightstar and I called as the rest of the assembled dwarves repeated the usual refrain. At the edge of the circle I could see Annie bury her face in her hands.

Then there was a flash of Mana in my [Crafter’s Eye].

And then there was light.

—

Too much light.

“AGH! IT BURNS!!!” Raydotter screamed. “WHYYYY!?”

I, having spent most of my life in the sun, was completely nonplussed. Yep, me and my seared corneas. We were noooooon-plussed. Just ignore the tears streaming down my face. Those’re just tears of joy at seeing the sun again after so long.

I closed my eyes but it didn’t help.

I could always activate [Flesh to Stone]... the senseless blackness of the Ability when it was activated might be preferable.

I glanced through lidded eyes at Berry. She was doing fine. Because Joseph had covered her eyes with his hands and was holding them open just enough for light to filter through. She had a delirious smile plastered on her face.

Same with Balin, who had a pair of smoked goggles that I’d never seen before covering his eyes. He was grinning like a loon.

“Team! Formation One! Sound of my voice! Pete!” Starshine called, doing her best to keep calm.

“Here!” I called.

Team Brighstar quickly surrounded me, thrusting their weapons out blindly, except for Balin who was standing nonchalantly at the ready. And Aishablue, who seemed unaffected.

“Aisha?” Starshine asked.

“I can see!” Aishablue laughed. “It is fine. I see some [Healers] in the welcoming party, so they were probably expecting this. And I see that Balin was cheating.”

“Schist warned me.” Balin chuckled.

“Yes, it’s a right of passage for all underground dwellers.” Joseph said, not a hint of laughter in his voice. “It’s part of the experience. Of course, there are always complaints, but you know, as plants we elves are in a constant state of starvation down below. This much seems a fair turnabout. Please stand still and the [Healers] will see to you shortly.”

Eh, fine. I wouldn’t begrudge him his fun. And besides, I had [Regenerate] repairing my roasted retinas as we spoke.

When I could finally see again…

The city’s teleportation square was nestled on top of a tree easily taller than any redwood I’d ever seen. I had to immediately tamp down terrified vertigo, and I could just barely hear Starshine retch into her armour. It did afford us a good view though.

Trees and plants of every shape and size stood in radiating circles. Like ripples in a pond. And at the center of the ‘lake’?

There was an honest to goodness Worldtree in the middle of the city. It was an emerald giant that towered taller than a mountain, its branches stretching off to the horizon. It looked like an ash, though monochromatic – even its bark was a deep shade of green. The only part of the tree that didn’t have the sheen and luster of jade was up in the branches. Eight gargantuan boughs erupted from the tree’s crown, but one of them was a dark grey colour. It looked… dead? Dying?

I rubbed my eyes and looked at the tree again. Yep. Still there.

Joseph laughed again. “Pretty, isn’t it? I thought so too the first time I saw it. But it is an illusion. The actual tree is much, much smaller.”

“That whole thing is an illusion?”

“Of course.” Joseph said. He’d left Berry with a [Healer] and come over, no doubt to see my gasted flabbers. “No plant could actually be that big and support itself! Magic can create wonders, but physics does still exist, Ambassador.”

It took me a moment to realize he was talking to me. I still wasn’t used to the title.

He poked me in the pauldron. “That would be you, Mr. Ambassador. Welcome to Tree!” He swept his hands to either side, taking in the landscape. The wind rose to sweep his red hair through the wind.

Nice effect.

Shame it was ruined by the scent of vomit wafting from poor Starshine.

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