Vaudevillain

Dr. Zlo’s monocle laser struck the statue, ripping a chunk free. Riptide rushed forward and spun, whipping Sweet Dream who transformed. She landed atop one of the statues, encasing it in her body. Rough and Pan-Pan followed, simultaneously striking an incoming statue. The stone shattered underneath their power before turning to others now waking up.

“So, want to see who gets more kills?” Rough asked Pan-Pan.

The villainess laughed. “I’ll win.”

To accentuate her words, Pan-Pan scooped a piece of shattered stone and whipped it at a waking statue. The stone cracked the golem’s exterior, shattering under the force. The villainess followed up with another thrown rock, this time breaking the statue. It crumbled where it stood.

Rough grumbled. “I’ll show you.”

The villain took off full sprint at the nearest statue.

Dr. Zlo waited as the rest ran forward, his eye counting the remaining statues. Sixteen remained after their initial strike, with another falling as Dr. Zlo counted. He continued to fire his laser at the one he first aimed at, taking its head off completely. The enemy still moved forward, the loss of its head a minor inconvenience. Dr. Zlo sighed and shot its chest, bringing it low.

“Fifteen left!” he shouted as it fell.

Riptide laughed, firing his laser gun as he surfed around the room. Each hit made black scorch marks, brittling the stone. This made it easy for Pan-Pan to shatter with her makeshift ammo, counting her kills as she went.

Sweet Dream, her power easily overtaking the statues, moved toward another. She grabbed the golem with a chocolate hand, wrapping it up and swinging it around like a mace. A swift strike to another statue brought both to pieces, leaving Sweet Dream with a pair of legs.

“D*mn it, I wanted to use it longer,” she complained.

Riptide laughed, surfing into another statue to knock it toward his girlfriend. “Here, use this one!”

Sweet Dream caught the stumbling statue. “Thanks!”

Everyone continued to cause chaos, bringing the remaining statues to just five. Rough finally got a chance to shine once he reached the last group. A flying kick was all it took for him to break three of the remaining statues. He stood quickly, tackling another and punching its chest to pieces. Pan-Pan finished the last with another well placed rock, smirking as she shattered it.

“I do believe I got more than you, Rough,” she said.

“Shuddap,” Rough growled.

“How long must we deal with these simple traps?” Dr. Zlo complained. “These statues are barely better than a Jacques! And I made Jacques to be cannon fodder!”

“I like it, dude,” Riptide said. “It’s like a dungeon crawl. Bunch of weak enemies before we go after a boss.”

“Whatever the case,” Rough said. “The doors open now.”

The villains turned to see the stone door across the room sinking into the floor, revealing another staircase leading downward.

“Well, onwards and downwards,” Sweet Dream said.

The group traversed the stairs, which led to another grand room filled with statues. This time Dr. Zlo counted twenty-five, slightly more than the previous room.

“This does not give me confidence in their inventiveness,” Dr. Zlo said.

“Agreed,” Pan-Pan said. “I was hoping for a challenge.”

The group made short work of the statues in the room. This time everyone played the counting game, with Sweet Dream winning due to Riptide’s cooperation.

“Teaming up doesn’t count,” Rough said.

“Your just sour because you didn’t think of it,” Sweet Dream taunted.

They made their way through the open door into another hallway filled with obvious traps. Dr. Zlo frowned at the sight as Rough again moved at a leisurely pace, arrows ricocheting off his stone skin. Pan-Pan again caught whatever came their way, storing the arrows for later.

The other end of the hallway opened up to another room, this one filled with thirty statues.

“Alright, who else is done with this,” Dr. Zlo said.

“While I am always ready to trash trash,” Pan-Pan said. “This is overly repetitive.”

“But dudes, our kill count,” Riptide said. “It was going to be my turn to win!”

“I’m sure there will be more later, Rip,” Sweet Dream said. “I’m with Zlo here. Fighting statues the whole time is tiresome.”

“The faster we get my Loqium, the better,” Rough said.

“Fine,” Riptide said. “Dibs on shanking the boss.”

“Like we’re going to honor the rule of dibs,” Rough snorted.

Dr. Zlo started to weave his disintegration spell. “Let’s see if we can’t find an alternative route.”

The villain pointed at the floor underneath, unleashing his spell. Surprisingly, it ricocheted off the floor, bouncing around the room until it struck a statue. The statue, like all the previous times, fell to pieces as the spell struck it.

“Of course there would be indestructible walls,” Dylan complained. “Why wouldn’t there be!”

“Hold on, let me try,” Jack said. The woman crouched, placing a hand over one of the seams between the stone tiles. She pushed down, trying to get her fingers underneath. However, not matter how hard she tried her fingers couldn’t find purchase.

“Dang,” she said. “I was hoping that would work.”

“Could you eat it?” Sweet Dream asked Rough.

“I could try?” Oro said. “Though I don’t know how I’m going to get it in my mouth.”

“Wait, it has to go in your mouth?” Riptide said. “Dude, that’s hilarious!”

Oro laughed. “Yeah, I thought the limitation would give me a bonus somewhere but that wasn’t the case.”

“Well, have at it,” Sweet Dream said.

Oro kneeled on the ground, bringing his mouth as close to the tile edge as possible.

“Al…os…,” he said.

A crisp snapping shot through the room, signaling that Oro’s attempt succeeded.

Riptide let out a whoop. “Heck yeah, dude!”

“Now we only have to do that a thousand more times,” Sweet Dream said.

“Let me see if I can get my fingers under the tile now,” Jack said.

Oro backed off, his mouth filled with tile. “You know. This tastes a bit like oatmeal.”

“Did you get anything from it?” Dylan asked.

“Spell reflection and a huge amount of blast resistance,” Oro said. “If Jack can pull more up I can use it to cover my whole body.”

“Awesome,” Dylan said.

“Got it!” Jack exclaimed.

Dylan turned to see his friend holding a partially cracked tile in her hands.

“The floor underneath looks like normal tile,” she said. “Give your disintegration spell another go.”

“Alright, everyone stand back,” Dylan said.

He performed the motions for his spell and fired it at the stone underneath. It melted away into fine particles, exposing more stone underneath. Dylan held the spell for as long as he could, keeping an eye on his mana as it drained. Eventually, he saw his spell bouncing once again and stopped.

“I think we hit another room,” he said. “But I need to recharge if you want me to widen the tunnel.”

“How long?” Jack asked.

“A few minutes,” Dylan answered.

“That’s fine,” Sweet Dream said. “We’ve got all these statues to play with.”

“Uh, dudes,” Riptide said. “Couldn’t we beat the statues quicker than it takes Zlo’s mana to come back?”

Everyone looked at Riptide.

“Dang it, Rip,” Jack said. “Now that you’ve said that the fight sounds like a better idea.”

“Heh, sorry dudes,” Riptide said.

“At least we got Rough some new armor,” Dylan said.

“Yeah, we could do a crazy tag team. You shoot spells at me and I try to direct them,” Oro said. The player grabbed the tile from Jack’s hands and started eating.

“Oh that’s awesome,” Dylan said. “We have to try that.”

“Looks like I’ll need about ten more tiles,” Oro said. “For full coverage.”

“That won’t be too hard,” Jack said. She crouched down and started ripping up more of the floor. “You guys can handle this room on your own, yeah?”

“Totally, dude,” Riptide said.

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